Conquer shame in no time with these basic steps

Dec 7, 2017

Today I want to speak to you about shame. We all struggle with shame whether we want to admit it or not. It’s an intricate piece in terms of recovery, and it’s just not talked about enough.

What is shame? It’s a birthplace of perfectionism, it’s sickness of the soul, and it’s a horrible feeling that we’re flawed and unworthy. I hear that over and over and over from my patients, “I don’t feel worthy, I don’t feel worthy, I don’t feel worthy.”

I ask the question, “When will you feel worthy?” Or, “What do you feel shame about?” Their answer is, typically, “I don’t know when I’m perfect.”

General George Patton said that death kills us one time. Fear and shame kills us over and over and over and over. Let me differentiate between shame and guilt. Shame says, “I’m bad.” Guilt says, “I did a bad thing.”

For example, Todd kicks a dog and Mom says, “Bad boy. You’re a bad boy for kicking Fido,” which is shaming, instead of saying, “Todd, that was a bad thing to do to Fido. We don’t kick the dog.” Do you see the difference there?

Shame shields us in a number of different ways. It does protect us. It tries to make us be more perfect. When we’re more perfect, we think we make less mistakes, but hence, we continue to make mistakes because even if were perfect, we would raise the ante because we can never meet our goal of being perfect.

Typically, with shame, when we’ll move away and shrink and disappear, be invisible, you can’t see me. The other is moving forward, people pleasing, “It’s my fault. It’s my fault. I’ll do anything you want. Just like me, please. Whatever you want, I’ll take care of it.” Or you move against it, coming out swinging and being combative, and then feel guilty about that, which triggers back the shame.

I ask people about their first experience with shame. Typically, it’s between the ages of three and five, but not always. It’s usually during the formative years.

It’s particularly true if you look at Erik Erikson’s eight stages of man, who I really rely on. If you look at that, you’ll see that he takes us through all these developmental stages that we must go through and be successful at in order to get to the next stage.

Oftentimes, when I work with my patients and they see something happened between the ages of three and five, they’re able to justify what happened and know that, “It wasn’t that I’m bad. I just wasn’t taught. I didn’t learn. Now, I know and we can sort of move forward.”

After childhood, no one has to make us feel ashamed because we do it to ourselves because that little voice is in our head. We have to acknowledge that it occurred when we were young from people who…I’m not blaming parents, or coaches, or religious people, or peers, or whatever, and it’s also how we perceived it to be.

Todd heard he was bad for kicking the dog. Therefore, Todd has shame about that. I also hear from my people that, “If people knew the real me, they wouldn’t like me,” which means, they are in touch with who they are.

How to recover from shame

How does one recover from shame and unworthiness? It’s by breaking the cycle of perfectionism, which is your major setup to fail. Remember, I talked about, “I have to be perfect, I’m going to do this perfect.” Even if you do it perfect, which you won’t, but you think you do it well enough, you’re going to raise the ante because you’re never going to be good enough.

We have to learn to break the cycle of perfectionism, to stop people pleasing, and it means becoming vulnerable. Now, vulnerable doesn’t mean weak. It means courage. It means to show up with no guarantees. It means becoming authentic, which means cultivating the courage to be imperfect and to set ourselves up to be vulnerable.

Courageous is exercising the compassion we all are made of strength and struggles, all of us. No more comparing, no more judges. We’re all made up with the same. It’s a nurturing connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe we’re enough.

Another question I’ll ask my patients, “When will you know you’re enough?” Oftentimes, the answer is, “When I feel worthy or when I’m perfect.” Goals you’re never ever going to be able to achieve. We have to learn to accept ourselves and love ourselves. It’s learning to love ourselves, accept ourselves, because until we do that, it’s hard to believe that someone else can love us unconditionally.

I leave you with this. I’m imperfect, I’m vulnerable, and sometimes, I’m afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I’m worthy of love and belonging. I hope you, too, will start the journey. Thank you.

Attempting to achieve perfection is often the major setup for failure and ultimately shame. But the truth is, nothing and nobody is perfect. Recovering from shame means breaking the cycle of perfectionism. As humans, we have to stop people pleasing and learn to become more vulnerable. Vulnerable in becoming authentic. Vulnerable in having the courage to be imperfect. When we can do this, we will have a greater sense of accepting ourselves and believing that we’re enough.

Overcoming shame is an important part of any recovery and the team at Healthy Futures is dedicated to helping you.

Jeanne Philips

Progressive Relaxation: Let the beam of light help you unwind

Jan 8, 2018

I’m going to teach you a technique today to relax. It’s called progressive relaxation. Maybe, some of you have done it before, and everyone has a couple of different techniques to do it with, but I’m going to show you mine.

We’re going to use our imagination to do it. And it might be right before you’re going to bed, but it’s to create a state of relaxation, a state of equilibrium for your nervous system to calm.

Some people like to do this technique right before they go to bed, but any time will work. If you can get yourself into a nice, comfortable, relaxed position, that would be great, and uncross everything.

Some like to self‑focus their eyes or close them as you’re listening to this, so go ahead and do that.

If you could just imagine a beam of light shining down and that beam of light coming down from the moon or the sun like a flash light.

It shines on your toes, warming them, really getting them comfortable, shining down, illuminating through them and around them. As they warm, you can wiggle them if you want but they become more and more relaxed. In fact, with each warm state that your body has, you become more and more relaxed.

The beam of light moves up through the balls of your feet and illuminates the balls of your feet, warming them, relaxing them, and creating restoration. The tops of your feet, the arches, and the heels so all of your foot are illuminated, warm, and relaxed.

The beam then moves up through your ankles and any type of moving part in your body gets lots of wear and tear during the day. This is the place for them to relax and let down. Let go, so as that beam of light shines on your ankles, they relax, the muscles, the bones, and the tendons.

Then moving up to your lower limbs, your legs, the calves, all the way up to below the knee, so everything is warm and restoring, relaxed, in a state of calm.

The beam of light warms those knees, and for maybe the first time during the day, they don’t have to bend, and move, or do anything. They can just be illuminating in this nice beam of light.

Using imagination, the beam moves up through your thighs, warming them, relaxing all the ligaments, the muscles, just allowing those legs, all the way from the hips down, to be relaxed, not have to do anything, restoring, allowing calm to happen for them.

The beam of light then illuminates the hips. The pelvis just completely lets down, lets go, and you can feel that deep sense of warmth and relaxation as you allow the body, from the hips down, to just let go into the bedding, or the recliner beneath you, or sofa, wherever you are, and then through the mid torso, letting that vertebrae let go.

It manages so much for you, and now it doesn’t have to do anything except accept the beam of light that is warming it, in, around, and through.

Every muscle, every cell, pore, and ligament is warmed by this nice illuminating beam, and then up through the ribcage, lightening and illuminating all those organs.

They’re still going to work for you. It’s just that they get a chance now to do it at a slower pace, to allow them to work and rest at the same time. You can feel that, as the cavity of your chest is now illuminated by that warm light.

Just imagine then that that beam splits in two and illuminates on each shoulder, allowing them to let down and let go so you don’t have to manage so much anymore.

The beam moves down the upper arm, down into the elbow, which gets lots of work during the day, but now it doesn’t have to. It’s a chance to restore and come back into equilibrium.

Along now, the beam moves to the lower arms, into the wrists, down each finger and thumb as it lights, relaxes, restores, and regenerates. With each body part, it becomes more and more relaxed.

The beam moves back up into the shoulders, comes back down to the neck, and raises up and illuminates the area around your throat, warms it and relaxes it, expanding it, allowing it to become open, more fluid.

To the lower jaw, the upper jaw, and up through the sinus cavities, the middle ear, and up through the eye orbits, up through the brain, to the top of the head, there’s a beam of light shining down all around you.

If you can just bask in that beam of light, more and more relaxed, allowing the body to create an equal state of equilibrium that becomes calm, enjoyable, restorative, you can replenish your energy by doing this.

If you’re going to sleep, you can do that now, but just settle in this place for a while, basking in this beam of nice white light as your body regenerates and restores.

Relaxing does not always come easy to everyone. This technique is excellent right before you go to bed, but can be used at any time you need a break.

Find a nice comfortable place where you can relax, replenish and restore your mind and body.

If you are feeling like you need to speak to someone, Healthy Futures has a full team of professional, experienced and qualified counselors, ready to help you at any time. Reach out to us at (480) 451-8500.

This is the place for them to relax and let down. Let go, so as that beam of light shines on your ankles, they relax, the muscles, the bones, and the tendons.

Dr. Kim Dire

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